No Sunlight

Life is going so well right now.
God is faithful.
School is challenging and enlightening.
I love the friends I've met at Malone.
I like a girl and she likes me back.
Van's birthday was excellent.
I found a pair of shoes that I thought were too small.
They weren't too small.
Fall break is ending, but it was awesome.
The weather was gorgeous today.
Yahweh gives and Yahweh takes away.
Blessed be the name of Yahweh.

College

So I go to Malone now. I'm really enjoying it a lot. College so far is better than high school in just about every way imaginable. I love the people and the classes and the dorms and everything. I think I might try to get back into this whole blogging thing, even if it's just for myself and no one reads it.

Untitled as of now.

The dust starts to settle in,
covering the shelves and the cluttered corners,
layered so thin that it can't be seen,
but only for a moment before you turn your head.
Suddenly surrounded by memories,
filling in the holes and the space within your mind,
but it's nothing to worry about,
there's still plenty of room left to walk around.
The clock slowly changes pace,
quickening its toll until the screws begin to loose,
the thunderous rhythm resonates,
and finally you realize, you can't escape.

God's Promises for every day

This book is amazingly helpful to the Christian life.

Re-Realizing

I always seem to find a way to forget about the peace I have in Christ.
Luckily, someone else remembered and reminded me before too long.
And then I remembered that it really is true. That no matter what I'm going through, whether it's hard or sad or confusing or whatever, there can be peace.
Because I know that in light of eternity, whatever is going on now is like nothing. A vapor, but dust, light and momentary affliction.
I am still eternally secure in the arms of grace.

Eternally secure.

More Confusion

I really just want to die and go to heaven.
I don't like dealing with things.
I don't like being the weak one.
I don't like failing repeatedly.
I don't like feeling depressed.
I don't like crying all the time.
I don't like wasting my time.
I don't like having no passion.
I don't like the way things are.
I don't like having such little faith.
I don't like waking up lately.

Praying for me would be an appropriate and very appreciated response.

Confusion

Leaf.
Falling.
Free.
Wind.
Scared.
Spin.
Twist.
Turn.
Jerk.
Branch.
Break.
Collapse.
Air.
Light.
Smooth.
Grass.
Soft.
Cool.
Safe.

I am not in control. My only actions are reactions. I have no power in myself. I am falling. I am entirely free. I am alone. I am held. I am a breath.

All I want is to be alone and quiet and still. But all I want is to be together and talking and fun.

Inside I feel so peaceful about life in its entirety, and at the same time I feel like contemplating each day leaves my mind a mess.

I have no idea what I'm doing right now, but I know what I'm doing, and I love it and I hate it.

Physical Exhaustion

can lead to
Spiritual Exhaustion.

"man"hood

If you actually read this, you probably already knew that I turned 18 on Friday. Supposedly I'm an adult now, a real man. I don't really feel any different. I think I would rather take life hour-by-hour and day-by-day instead of stage-by-stage. Every day I'm one day older than the day before. On Friday I became one day older than I was on Thursday, and that's enough of a change for me to handle. The shorter of measurements I use for my life, the more I think I'll enjoy it and appreciate. I might not get another 80 years, but chances are, I'll get another 80 days. I'm going to try to enjoy every day I can. I am truly thankful for the sunrise this morning, and for waking up, and for being able to breathe. He is faithful.

Gotta Catch'em All!

So I found my gameboy(advance SP) and my favorite pokémon game(Sapphire) the other day. And I've been playing almost non-stop. I might be addicted. And I'm definitely a loser.

ACB

As Cities Burn have the best lyrics I've ever heard in my life. I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

Sick

I'm sick.
And it's not very fun.
Although the resting is nice.
The aching and coughing are not.
But my voice sounds sweet.

retreat

this weekend!

Repent.Return.

"Go and proclaim these words toward the north and say,
'Return, faithless Israel,' declares the LORD;
'I will not look upon you in anger
For I am gracious,' declares the LORD;
'I will not be angry forever.
'Only acknowledge your iniquity,
That you have transgressed against the LORD your God
And have scattered your favors to the strangers under every green tree,
And you have not obeyed My voice,' declares the LORD.
'Return, O faithless sons,' declares the LORD;
'For I am a master to you,
And I will take you one from a city and two from a family,
And I will bring you to Zion.'

Jeremiah 3:12-14

Snow Day

I usually wake up around 5:50 and then my mom turns the basement light on and yells at me to get up around 6:00. Today, I woke up around 5:30. I spent a few minutes in prayer, thanking God for another day and praying that it would be one where I could grow closer to Him. I also prayed for my friends who would be waking up shortly, basically the same thing I prayed for myself. Then I started to get out of bed, felt the cold air ooutside the covers and shot back down. I ended up waiting, thinking, and praying a little more. Then around 5:58 the light came on in the basement, and instead of yelling, I heard footsteps. I smiled, waited, and then listened to the good news. Snow day! So needless to say, I went back to sleep (Thank God for rest), and didn't wake up until 10. And ever since then I've been enjoying the day, relaxing, reading Frankenstein, reading the Bible, playing guitar, worshiping, and enjoying some more prayer with God. I love snow days. And I love worshiping actively and intently. I'm so thankful for salvation and how it makes every day of my life infinitely better than it would be if I was lost.

Vanity

I stayed up for like 45 minutes later than I wanted to last night.
Trying on clothes and looking in the mirror.
Old clothes that I've worn before and seen myself in.
But I lost some weight and I think I'm all that.
And I'm obsessed with myself and my stuff sometimes.
Just being honest.

New

She sits silently on her thrift store shelf,
Her handle cracked and rim worn rough.
Coffee stains make their way up her walls
And drown her white hope in guilty stains.
Filled up with that bittersweet taste forever
And never able to ever forget that flavor.
He flecked and faded coat collects dust
And absorbs the rays that once met her gloss.

His eyes feel the weight of her imperfections
And see the stains of her used up pleasure.
He feels her scratched sides in his hands
And her cold heart left empty and wanting.
His hands are pierced by her broken frame.
His heart broken by her depressing decay.
But his arms cradle her collapsing body.
His whisper tells her that she's safe here.

Daily Life

I want to start living life one day at a time.

New Years Resolution

So it's 2009 and I haven't made any resolutions yet. But I think I will, right now, right here. So here it goes, my resolutions for 2009.

- Action. I want to be more active about my faith. Sharing it, proclaiming it, living it. Giving, listening, serving, fasting, praying about external things. Doing more, instead of being so internal about my faith.

- Consistency. I don't like structure, but I should a little more. I want to be more responsible. Whether it's school or church or friends or whatever. I want to stay committed more fully to things and I want to stop procrastinating and taking shortcuts so much.

- Love. For God, for friends, for family, for Christians, for people. I like people a lot, and I love people, just not very well. I want to stop being so judgemental, and I want to start being more encouraging. I want to stop acting so superior, and I want to start making others' lives better. Whether they return the favor or not. I want to make my love more unconditional and less selfish.

- I would also like to lose a few more pounds. Getting down to 210 or 215 and staying there would be nice. Cliché, I know, but I want to.

Those are some things I would like to accomplish this year by God's grace. And now I have them recorded here so I can look back on them and be reminded to strive toward them throughout the year. I am resolved to change.